Smile your kids are watching

Nothing hurts worse than dealing with depression and anxiety with a smile. You don’t always realize what’s happening until you’re already in it. Once it starts you can’t really stop it. It’s like this snowball effect of doubt, self hate, waiting for the big crash.

When you first realize what’s going on your like damn I really am sad. I really don’t know which way to turn or what to do. You feel lonely, inadequate, angry, stressed. How can I be a mother right now? How can I not see and realize the good in my life right now. You know it’s there somewhere. But somehow the self-hatred fills up your vision with everything wrong about you or your situation. You try so hard to move that dark grey cloud but it’s literally following you like in the cartoons. Just hovering and weighing you down.

So many times I’ve tried to get up. Say not today that’s all bullshit. It’s all lies. You have 3 beautiful little girls looking at you. Seeing how your going to react. How you will Handel the situation. I can’t fold in front of them. Then here comes anxiety *insert eye roll * the over reacting. All the questions? Just waiting for something to mess up the day or mess up my mood to put me back in the depressive state.

How can I be a mother and practice self-love and deal with depression. How can I get up go out and play with my girls and have anxiety knocking at my door. All the doubt, anger, stress is overwhelming at times.

When your trying to parent and deal with those issues of your kids while feeling and being depressed sucks. It’s like a train wreck of emotions and you have to separate it. You don’t want that to spill over into how you deal or discipline your kids. It was hard having them come in my room “mom get up”, “mom I’m hungry “, mom can we please have fun today?”. As I lay there thinking to my self Get up, push thought the day. Take it day by day. Grind it out and think about why you’re doing it. It’s ok if you fail. It’s ok if you lose focus. But keep pushing. Take the steps to get the help if you need that But keep going.

Mothers, We lift the load that others drop off. You have to watch how you cope because children are watching. They are learning how to deal with life though us. I have to show them a better way as best I know how.  Have those talks with your children. Stop trying to hide everything from them. We do that so much especially in the black community. I mean the talk of depression alone is so taboo. But I’m breaking that cycle with my girls. They will not suffer alone. They will not suffer in silence if they ever have to deal with this.  I will give them the tools they need to conquer. 

Advertisements

The art of self love

With valentines right around the corner I’m thinking about what love truly means. There are so many layers to the word and it’s meaning. Nowadays it seems to just be so easily said and without much depth. 

Being a mom we first think of the love for our children. No unmatched love is there. We put our kids before ourselves all the time. We constantly are trying to reassure them that they are loved and that they know what love is. But I’ve realized with that I must love myself. How can I truly be an example to my girls of love if I’m not giving them my best because I don’t feel my best. 

You have to love yourself to be able to give love to someone else. We know kids do what they see not what they are told. How can I tell my girls they are loved when they see me not loving myself. How can I give them my best when I’m not being the best to myself. 

It’s time that I start to love me more and love me first. Yes I said it love me first. We have to become selfish when it comes to this. Women, mothers we give so much of ourselves to everyone! Always baring the cross and being the one to take on the load but how effective is that is you can not show love to your self. 

I have to learn to start saying yes to me. Yes! Go buy that shirt. Yes! Go read that book. Yes! Take that nap you’ve needed all day. Yes! It’s ok to spend on you this week and not the girls they have everything they need. Treat yo self girl! Yaaasss you deserve hunny!  

I can’t stress how much starting to say yes to me and some of the things I generally will say no to has helped me feel more whole. I am so much happier and my girls see it. I can’t go back into that depressive state of self hate and think I can still show them how to love if I’m not taking care of self. They need to know how to love self and then love one another . Don’t depend or wait for no one to fill a void that you couldn’t even fill on your own. Know who you are. Know what YOU like and what YOU don’t.  Then you share your happiness and love with others not waiting for them to validate who you are as a women. Because you already know it

Losing focus

OMG! Is often one of the phrases I love to use. And lately it seems to come out more than usual. I have really been losing my mind it feels. Trying to keep up with the day to day task of being a working mom. Also trying to stay motivated and consistent all while not breaking a sweat and seeming like I have it all together. Well… I don’t. Wow that felt so good to say! I don’t have it all together!

So many times we put pressure on ourselves as women and as mothers. Especially as black women we are taught or conditioned to be strong and have all of or ish together at all times. And sometimes that can be a hard pill to swallow when we don’t. Knowing I have 3 little ones looking at me for all the answer, what do we do? Push those feelings aside, have everyone tell us how strong we are, how we can handle it. But I want a moment to just scream and kick and cry too. Am I not allowed because I am this “strong black woman”. Can I not get sympathy other than you’ll be ok, or a pat on the back.

I think it’s important to be vulnerable at times to our children. I don’t want my girls to grow up thinking that they have to hold it all together at all times. Not that I want them to stay in the self pity phase. But to know it’s ok to not have all the answers. The importance is not staying in that place. We need to find our way out and not stay down. But how can my girls truly know how to get up if they never seen me fall. No, I don’t want them to feel sorry for me or feel like they have any parts in me not having it together. Kids sense and have an understanding of our suffering even when we try to hide it . I knew when my 4 year old came to me and said “mommy maybe you just need a nap”. In her eyes she saw and sensed I need to regroup my self and refocus. And guess what I did. I took a nap and when I woke I found a new understanding.

I am all of those things they say about black mothers. I am strong, I am independent, I am proud. But I don’t have all the answers. I am human just as everyone else. I am allowed to cry and still maintain my strength. I will find my way out and my girls will see just how strong I truly am

I finally did it

I finally did it

I have been having this concept for quite sometime and time is up! I’ve been hitting this wall of just needing an outlet. And sometimes you can easily be discouraged to do something new and different. But no more of that! I have something to say

A little about me…

I’m a 27 year old mother of 3 beautiful girls ages 8, 4, and 3 months. I’m raising 3 young girls , and doing so has its own special challenges. Being a young black women raising 3 young black girls in America ! Yes America (that has its challenges as well) is not a walk in the park. Raising kids alone is something else. On top of being girls and black is just added different challenge.

So what’s this all about…

I’m on a mission to raising young black women I finally did it

I have been having this concept for quite sometime and time is up! I’ve been hitting this wall of just needing an outlet. And sometimes you can easily be discouraged to do something new and different. But no more of that! I have something to say

A little about me…

I’m a 27 year old mother of 3 beautiful girls ages 8, 4, and 3 months. I’m raising 3 young girls , and doing so has its own special challenges. Being a young black women raising 3 young black girls in America ! Yes America (that has its challenges as well) is not a walk in the park. Raising kids alone is something else. On top of being girls and black is just added different challenge.

So what’s this all about…

I’m on a mission to raising young black women with self worth. I’m raising young Queens. I want them to love the skin they are in. I want them to be who they are inside and out and it’s not always easy when you have the whole world telling you “your not enough”

The concept of all of this makes me say “I’m raising who?” I think of my mom and the way I think of her being the person with most of the answers, and those are pretty big shoes to fill! Like seriously, do you ever just sit back and think like…Dang my kids look at me like this super human like I look at my mom. It’s scary . But I have to do it .with self worth. I’m raising young Queens. I want them to love the skin they are in. I want them to be who they are inside and out and it’s not always easy when you have the whole world telling you “your not enough”

The concept of all of this makes me say “I’m raising who?” I think of my mom and the way I think of her being the person with most of the answers, and those are pretty big shoes to fill! Like seriously, do you ever just sit back and think like…Dang my kids look at me like this super human like I look at my mom. It’s scary. But it’s making me realize just how human my mom is. And it’s ok to make mistakes. Plus it doesn’t hurt to have some pretty cool and funny kids to go though this with.