Smile your kids are watching

Nothing hurts worse than dealing with depression and anxiety with a smile. You don’t always realize what’s happening until you’re already in it. Once it starts you can’t really stop it. It’s like this snowball effect of doubt, self hate, waiting for the big crash.

When you first realize what’s going on your like damn I really am sad. I really don’t know which way to turn or what to do. You feel lonely, inadequate, angry, stressed. How can I be a mother right now? How can I not see and realize the good in my life right now. You know it’s there somewhere. But somehow the self-hatred fills up your vision with everything wrong about you or your situation. You try so hard to move that dark grey cloud but it’s literally following you like in the cartoons. Just hovering and weighing you down.

So many times I’ve tried to get up. Say not today that’s all bullshit. It’s all lies. You have 3 beautiful little girls looking at you. Seeing how your going to react. How you will Handel the situation. I can’t fold in front of them. Then here comes anxiety *insert eye roll * the over reacting. All the questions? Just waiting for something to mess up the day or mess up my mood to put me back in the depressive state.

How can I be a mother and practice self-love and deal with depression. How can I get up go out and play with my girls and have anxiety knocking at my door. All the doubt, anger, stress is overwhelming at times.

When your trying to parent and deal with those issues of your kids while feeling and being depressed sucks. It’s like a train wreck of emotions and you have to separate it. You don’t want that to spill over into how you deal or discipline your kids. It was hard having them come in my room “mom get up”, “mom I’m hungry “, mom can we please have fun today?”. As I lay there thinking to my self Get up, push thought the day. Take it day by day. Grind it out and think about why you’re doing it. It’s ok if you fail. It’s ok if you lose focus. But keep pushing. Take the steps to get the help if you need that But keep going.

Mothers, We lift the load that others drop off. You have to watch how you cope because children are watching. They are learning how to deal with life though us. I have to show them a better way as best I know how.  Have those talks with your children. Stop trying to hide everything from them. We do that so much especially in the black community. I mean the talk of depression alone is so taboo. But I’m breaking that cycle with my girls. They will not suffer alone. They will not suffer in silence if they ever have to deal with this.  I will give them the tools they need to conquer.